I do my best thinking while sitting on the toilet. Yup. That's why I almost always take my phone with me to the bathroom -- so I can jot down notes. I want to be kidding. But it's true. Same goes for the shower... except I have to keep repeating the 'good' stuff so I can write it down when I get out.
I have a tendency to have a string of absolutely awe-inspiring, totally motivated and awesomely productive days. They're the kind of days I don't want to go to bed at night because OMGIMBEINGSOPRODUCTIVEOMGEEE!!11!
... and then there are the string of days where I truly feel like the world is out to get me. I can't seem to complete the most remedial tasks (outside of work, that is; fortunately, I'm 99.9 percent of the time game on when it comes to work; yeah... explain that one). I make to-do lists to write down all of my to-do lists. I can't seem to prioritize anything because EVERYTHING seems equally important. To say that I feel overwhelmed would be an understatement.
I guess now is as good a time as any to confess that I suffer from anxiety. Gut-wrenching, world spinning anxiety. At times, it feels like there's an elephant sitting on my chest and it takes everything I have to focus on breathing. I wasn't always like this.
I remember the days when the world was my oyster. Everything was a fun new experience and I had everything to look forward to. It wasn't that long ago... probably ten years ago or so. Graduating from college and not having the slightest clue what was in store for me was so mysteriously intoxicating. For someone who ohmyholycrap simply could not handle change, I embraced it. That whole life by the horns thing? Totally legit.
And then, somewhere along the way.... I took a harsh 180. These days, I can't help but feel like I'm the lamest of the lame. I'm everything I swore I'd never be. I not only fear change... but I let it rule me. Sometimes. I'm not sure if it's the simple fact that I'm getting older, or if getting married put this Earth-shattering "I HAVE TO MAKE THE PERFECT DECISION TO MAKE SURE OUR FUTURE IS EVERYTHING I WANT IT TO BE" fear in my life. But the fun, live by the seat of her pants Julie is nowhere to be found. And I miss her.
Becoming an adult is good and bad, I suppose. You get to make your own decisions... but holy crap, you get to make your own decisions. It's on you, dude. You screw up? That's you. You did that.
So when I have that string of good days, I do everything in my power to make the most of it -- take advantage of the awesomeness. The bad days? Well, I still battle with them. I'm consciously aware of it now so my goal is to keep them from owning me. One step at a time, dude. One step at a time. Eventually? Eventually I'll be able to manage the bad days and turn them into something a lot more manageable and a lot less doom and gloom.
Fortunately, today's one of those awesome days where I'm fairly certain I'm near rock star status. It feels good. Rock on.
